"Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves right before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy, or that he's happy. That we can change, or that he will change his mind. We persuade ourselves that we can live with our sins, or that we can live without him. Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that come morning - it will all be true."
"It goes by so quickly. In a flash, the life we knew is gone forever and we're left to ask ourselves: How could he have left me? When did my beauty start to fade? Why has my friend changed? Was I the best mother I could have been? Of course, there are some people who understand how quickly time passes. That's why they're so determined to get what they want...before it's too late."
"Have you met the perfect couple? The two soul mates whose love never dies? The two lovers whose relationship is never threatened. The husband and wife who trust each other completely. If you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you. They stand atop a layer of butter cream frosting. The secret of their success? Well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other."
"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."
"There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold."
Labels: Milan Kundera
"Seasons change, so do cities. People come into your life and people go, but it's comforting to know: the ones you love are always in your heart and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
(Sex and the City)
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by.
If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.
"I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now - if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it - I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see it that way. But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? It the demage was permanent and irreversible? I held myself tightly together. As if he'd never existed, I thought in despair. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts, but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition."
"And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain - the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head - but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown stronge enough to bear it"
"As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried - late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses - that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live - I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed."
"I remember most of 17. I remember the day we met. His smile, his touch. You could be anywhere when your life begins when the future opens up in front of you and you may not even realize it at first but it's already happening. There are millions of people out there but, in the end it all comes down to one. I still panic sometimes, forget to breathe, but I know there's something beautiful in all my imperfections. A beauty which he held up for me to see. A strenght that can never be taken away."
"Jamie and I had a perfect summer together with more love than lots of people know in a lifetime. And then she went, with her unfaling faith. Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything. About life, hope and a long journey ahead. I'll always miss her. But our love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it."
(A walk to remember)
"Someone had been in the house to leave a note for Charlie, a note that would lead him to find me. From the minute that I'd realized this, a horrible suspicion began to grow in my head. I rushed to my room, shutting and locking the door behind me before I ran to the CD player by my bed. Everything looked exactly the same as I'd left it. I pressed down on the top of the CD player. The latch unhooked, and the lid slowly swung open. It was empty. The album Renee had given me sat on the floor beside the bed, just were I'd put it last. I lifted the cover with a shaking hand. I didn't have to flip any farther than the first page. The little metal corners no longer held a picture in the place. The page was blank except for my own handwritting scrawled across the bottom: Edward Cullen, Charlie's kitchen, Sept. 13th.
I stopped there. I was sure that he would have been very through. It will be as if I'd never existed, he'd promised me. I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath my knees, and then the palms of my hands, and then it was pressed against the skin of my cheek. I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn't lose consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under. I did not resurface.
"He was gone. With shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was uneless, I followed him into the forest. The evidence of his path had disappeared instantly. There were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but I walked forward without thinking. I could not do anything else. I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking for him, it was over.
Love, life, meaning... over."
He chuckled. "Now I wish I'd spend money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable." I set the tickets aside and reached for his present, my curiosity rekindled. He took it from me and unwrapped it like the first one. Ha handed back a clear CD jewel case, with a blank silver CD inside. "What is it?" I asked, perplexed. He didn't say anything; he took the CD and reached around me to put it in the CD player on the bedside table. He hit the play, and we waited in silence. Then the music began. I listened, speechless and wide-eyed. I knew he was waiting for my reaction, but I couldn't talk. Tears welled up, and I reached up to wipe them away before they could spill over. "Does your arm hurt?" ha asked anxiously. "No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it." I shut up, so I could listen. It was his music, his compositions. The first piece on the CD was my lullaby. "I didn't think you would let me to get a piano so I could play for you here." he explained.
He'd laughed more tonight than I'd ever heard in all the time I'd spent with him. "You seem more… optimistic than usual," I observed. "I haven't seen you like this before." "Isn't it supposed to be like this?" He smiled. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?" "Very different," I agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined." "For example" — his words flowed swiftly now, I had to concentrate to catch it all — "the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" He grimaced. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?" I nodded, though I remembered that day for a different reason. "The day you started talking to me again." "I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt — I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care. "And then the line started forming," he chuckled. I scowled in the darkness. "I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure. "That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry. "And then," he whispered, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."
"Now I know that our world is no more permanent than a wave rising on the ocean. Whatever our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer them, all too soon they bleed into a wash, just like watery ink on paper."
(Memoirs of a Geisha)
"The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves. Until one day there are none."
(Memoirs of a Geisha)
"Florida was a bad idea.
I wasn't about to send you off alone. With your luck, not even the black box would survive.
So let's say my bad luck did crush the plane. What exactly were you going to do about it?
Why is the plan crashing?
The pilots are passed out drunk.
Easy. I'd fly the plane.
Both engines have exploded and we're falling in a death spiral toward the earth.
I'd wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall, and jump. Then I'd run you back to the scene of the accident, and we'd stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history."
I walked silenty forward, wondering how best to approach her. She made it easy. Her truck key slipped through her fingers as she got out, and fell into a deep puddle. She reached down, but I got to it first, retrieving it before she had to put her fingers in the cold water. I leaned back against her truck as she started and then straightened up. "How do you do that?" she demanded. Yes, she was still angry. I offered her the key. "Do what?" She held her hand out, and I dropped the key in her palm. I took a deep breath, pulling in her scent. "Appear out of thin air," she clarified. "Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unoberservant." The words were wry, almost a joke. Was there anything she didn't see? Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress? She glared at me, not appreciating my humor. Her heartbeat sped - from anger? From fear? After a moment, she looked down. "Why the traffic jam last night?" she asked without meeting my eyes. "I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, no irritating me to death." Still very angry. It was going to take some effort to make thing right with her. I remembered my resolve to be truthful with her... "That was for Tyler's sake, not mine. I had to give him a chance." And then I laughed. I couldn't help it, thinking of her expression yesterday. "You-" she gasped, and then broke off, appearing to be too furious to finish. There it was - that same expression. I choked back another laugh. She was mad enough already. "And I'm not pretending to you don't exist," I finished. It was right to keep this casual, teasing. She would not understand if I let her see how I really felt. I would frighten her. I had to keep my feelings in check, keep things light... "So you are trying to irritate me to death?" Since Tyler's van didn't do the job?" A quick flash of anger pulsed through me. Could she hoestly believe that? It was irrational for me to be so affronted - she didn't know of the transformation that had happened in the night. But I was angry all the same. "Bella, you are uttery absurd," I snapped. Her face flushed, and she turned her back on me. She began to walk away. Remorse. I had no right to my anger. "Wait," I pleaded. She did not stop, so I followed after her. "I'm sorry, that was rude. I'm not saying it isn't true' - it was absurd to imagine that I wanted her harmed in any way - "but it was rude to say it, anyway." "Why won't you leave me alone?" Belive me, I wanted to say. I've tired. Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you. Keep it light. "I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me." A course of action had just occured to me, and I laughed. "Do you have a multiple personality disorder?" she asked. It must seem that way. My mood was erratic, so many new emotions coursing through me. "You're doing it again," I pointed out. She sighed. "Fine then. What do you want to ask?" "I was wondering if, a week from Saturday..." I watched the shock cross her face, and choked back another laugh. "You know, the day of the spring dance -" She cut me off, finally returning her eyes to mine. "Are you trying to be funny?" Yes. "Will you let me finish?" She waited in silence, her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip. That sight distracted me for a second. Strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deep in my forgotten human core. I tried to shake them off so I could play my role. "I heard you say that you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if you wanted a ride?" I offered. I'd realized that, better than just questioning her about her plans, I might share them. She stared at me blankly. "What?" "Do you want a ride to Seattle?" Alone in a car with her - my throat burned at the thought. I took a deep breath. Get used to it. "With who?" she asked, her eyes wide and bewildered again. "Myself, obviously," I said slowly. "Why?" Was it really such as shock that I would want her company? She must have applied the worst possible meaning to my past behavior. "Well," I said as casually as possible, "I was planning to go to Seattle in the next few weeks, and, to be honest, I'm not sure if your truck can make it." It seemed safer to tease her than to allow myself to be serious. "My track works just fine, thank you very much for your concern," she said in the same surprised voice. She started walking again. I kept pace with her. She hadn't really said no, so I pressed that advantage. Would she say no? What would I do if she did? "But can your truck make it there on one thank of gas?" "I don't see how that is any of your business," she grumbled. That still wasn't a no. And her heart was beating faster agagin, her breath coming more quickly. "The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business." "Honestly, Edward, I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend." A thrill shot through me when she spoke my name. How to keep it light and yet be honest at the same time? Well, it was more important to be honest. Especially on this point. "I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be." "Oh, thanks, now that's all cleared up," she said sarcastically. She paused, under the edge of the cafeteria's roof, and met my gaze again. Her heartbeats stuttered. Was she afraid? I chose my words carefully. No, I could not leave her, but maybe she would be smart enough to leave me, before it was too late. "It would be more...prudent for you not to be my friend." Staring into the melted chocolate depths of her eyes, I lost my hold on light. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella." The words burned with much too much fervor. Her breathing stopped and, in the second it took for it to restart, that worried me. How much had I scared her? Well, I would find out. "Will you go to Seattle with me?" I demanded, point blank. She nodded, her heart drumming loudly. Yes. She'd said yes to me. And then my conscious smote me. What would this cost her? "You really should stay away from me," I warned her. Did she hear me? Would she escape the future I was threatening her with? Couldn't I do anything to save her from me? Keep it light. I shouted at myself. "I'll see you in class." I had to concentrate to stop myself from running as I fled.
"What’s wrong with her?” Charlie wondered. "She thinks she broke her hand.” I heard Jacob tell him. "How did she do that?” Jacob laughed. "She hit me.” "Why did she hit you?” "Because I kissed her.” Jacob said, unashamed. "Good for you, kid.” Charlie congratulated him. I ground my teeth and went for the phone. I dialed Edward’s cell. "Bella?” he answered on the first ring. "You left the phone… I’m sorry, did Jacob drive you home?” "Yes I grumbled. "Will you come and get me, please?” "I’m on my way,” he said at once. "What’s wrong?” "I want Carlisle to look at my hand. I think it’s broken.” "What happend?” Edward demanded, his voice going flat. "I punched Jacob,” I admitted. "Good,” Edward said bleakly. "Though I’m sorry you’re hurt.” "I wish I’d hurt him.” I sighed in frustration. "I didn’t do any damage at all.” "I can fix that,” he offered. "I was hoping you would say that.” There was a slight pause. "That doesn’t sound like you,” he said, wary now. "What did he do?” "He kissed me,” I growled. All I heard on the other end of the line was the sound of an engine accelerating. […] "Is the dog still there? Edward finally spoke again. "Yes.” "I’m around the corner,” he said darkly, and the line disconnected. […] "I don’t want any fighting, do you understand?” Chrlie looked only at Edward when he spoke. "I can go put my badge on if that makes my request more official.” "That won’t be necessary.” Edward said in a restrained tone." "Why don’t you arrested me, Dad?” I suggested. "I’m the one throwing punches. Charlie raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to press charges, Jake?” "No.” Jacob grinned, incorrigible. "I’ll take the trade any day.” Edward grimaced. "Dad, don’t you have a baseball bat somewhere in your room? I want to borrow it for a minute.” Charlie looked at me evenly. "Enought, Bella.” "Let’s go have Charlie look at your hand before you wind up in a jail cell,” Edward said. He put his arms around me and pulled me toward the door.